True confessions of a captive bondslave

As I sit at my Bible study desk (which is also where I write my blog posts), I wonder, what am I doing here?  The fact that I am sitting her poised to write baffles me.  I now have a blog.  Which means that I have to write blog posts.  Which means that I have to have something to say.in my weakness, or lack of something to say, that God will show Himself strong and speaking through me_Have you ever been in a position where you asked yourself, “What on earth am I doing here?”  Maybe your found yourself sitting in a corporate boardroom surrounded by people who were more educated or experienced than you.  Or you were in a neighbor’s house when she had an emotional breakdown and looked to you for comfort.  Perhaps you are slated to speak at a women’s ministry event and you are questioning if you have any thing to say.

I am questioning if I have anything to say.

I probably have enough to say to hammer out 12, maybe 15 blog posts.  But after that?  Will my blog just sit vacant while I dig deeper to muster something to say?

I should probably tell you how my bottom got in this chair with my hands on the keyboard in the first place.

About four years ago, I sought the Lord about what kinds of things I would do with my time after I completed homeschooling my two children.  My children are both in college now and I am happily an unemployed homeschool teacher.

One of the things that  God told me to do was attend the She Speaks conference hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries.  It sounds silly, but I really love holding a microphone.  What I mean by that is that when I speak to women, I am doing what God made me to do.  I have found repeatedly that as I am transparent and vulnerable when I speak, the women in my audience find the freedom to be real, too.  My message resonates with them and they come to me afterward and tearfully say, “Me, too.”

One of my “takeaways” from the She Speaks conference was that I needed to start a blog and build my “platform.”  To me, this was a daunting task as I am not a social media-savvy person.  Truthfully, I have purposefully shunned social media.   It’s really funny that I am now having to embrace it!

Last month I confessed to God that I wanted to start a blog and build my platform about as much as I wanted a liver transplant.  Yes, its true.    But I felt  God propelling me to take this leap of faith and become a blogger.  So here I am.  I feel like a captive bondslave to God.  I am doing what He wants me to do, but I feel like a fish out of water.  I feel totally unequipped or gifted.

Do I really have something to say?  Are there messages inside of me that will resonate with women and they can bravely say, “Me, too?”  Will my messages bring hope to women when they realize that they are not the only one who is a hot mess of emotions?

I could be all churchy and say, “YES, IN JESUS NAME I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!” but I will spare you that.  Instead, I will say that I am trusting that God has already planted seeds of messages deep inside of me and that they will sprout and grow at the right time.  Oh  God, let that really be true.  I am counting on You.

Isn’t this just like the name of my blog?  That in my weakness, or lack of something to say, that God will show Himself strong and speaking through me?in my weakness, or lack of something to say, that God will show Himself strong and speaking through me_Can I ask you to do something for me, dear reader?  Have patience with me as I find my voice.  Just think of me as that fish flopping around until he flops himself back into the water.  I’m going to flop around for a while until I hit my groove.

And for you dear reader, I pray that the God of peace will equip you in every good thing to do His will, through Jesus working in us that which is pleasing in His sight (Hebrews 13:20-21).

What about you, are you also in situations where you are also feeling like a fish out of water?  If so, please leave a comment or share with me on Twitter.

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