Vulnerability is a good weight loss plan. Facing my impending doom, I couldn’t eat lunch or dinner. My stomach was in knots from all of the butterflies fluttering around in there. God had asked me to do something HARD, and I dreaded it all day long, sunup to sundown. Like a lamb lead to the slaughter, I went to teach my Philippians Bible study.
It is time to go to sleep. My head is on the pillow, my eyes are closed, but the tears are flowing. Two hours ago I taught an amazing Bible study. People were encouraged. People were challenged. People met God. I should be filled with joy but instead my soul is tossing and turning with guilt and shame. I taught tonight about being like Jesus, but in the quiet of my home, I feel as far from it as possible. Everyone around me has faith to believe that God will heal my chronic migraines, but I’m sorry, I’m just not convinced. I struggle to believe.
I close my eyes tight and ask God, “What is wrong with me? How can I teach your Word with great power and anointing, but I can’t believe you will do the simplest of things for me? People think that I’m this great woman of God, but really I’m not. I don’t have a steadfast faith that is able to weather the storms. I am not able to ask that you will heal me, believing that you will, because really, I’m not sure (Mark 11:34). I know that You can heal me, but I’m not certain that You will. (more…)
The stage lights are up and the stage sits empty, waiting for her to come up. She is praying fervently in her seat that it will go well. She looks to her husband and friend and whispers, “Pray for me.” It’s almost time. She studies her notes one last time and prays for God to give her the words to say. And then it is time. The pastor of the church calls her up. Her heart flutters as she hears his words:
“Lisa, come on up and make the announcements.”