As my body woke up from a night of slumber, so did the constant fear that rolled over and over in my stomach. I had recently completed a three minute speaker promo video and I had shared it with my family and friends, including a lot of pastors and ministry leaders. I even shared it on Facebook. I was unsure how people would receive it. I felt vulnerable. Exposed.
I was terrified of being rejected.
“Don’t fall. Please don’t fall” I pleaded with the beautiful china plate as I tried to hang it on the wall. I had recently made it with beautiful, sparkly jewels and I was hanging it on my colorful back porch. The plate hanger was hanging over a nail, but I was trying to “engineer” the two together (with a wire) so the plate wouldn’t fall off the nail and break.
It’s that time of year when your mailbox is full of Christmas cards and Christmas letters. I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas letters. When we became parents I wrote them to keep friends and family updated on how Gregory and Hannah were growing and developing. I share the comings and goings of our family and I try to keep it light, cheery, and funny. I hope that my friends and family enjoy what I write to share with them.
Personally, I enjoy receiving Christmas letters and learning about the lives of my friends and family. But some Christmas letters, straight up, make me feel like a big fat failure.
It was a Sunday morning, and my teenage children and I were together at church. My son Gregory was in the worship band, rocking it out on his bass guitar. He was swaying back and forth, almost dancing, and belting out the song lyrics with a strong confidence. Later, during communion, I found a quiet place to pray with my daughter Hannah. I let her pray first, and she prayed so long that I didn’t think I would get to have a turn. She prayed a beautiful prayer that touched my heart.
It was later in the day as I was relaying these events to my husband that I realized that in spite of myself, my children had turned out well – they are hard workers, they have tender hearts and they unashamedly love Jesus.
This date night with my husband of twenty years didn’t turned out as I had planned. I had hoped that we would be enjoying hamburgers and fries and running errands like old married couples do. But as I took my shower at 5 PM I realized that I would not be going out at all. A migraine had ravaged my body earlier in the day and taking a shower completely exhausted me. I sadly shared with my husband that he would need to go out alone and run the errands because my body needed to rest. I felt like such a failure.
Coco comforting me
The Proverbs 31 woman is one who provides for the needs of her household and I couldn’t even go out to the grocery store or CVS. I want to be able to put healthy meals on the table and shop for my family and go out on a date with my husband. But in this season there are times when my body won’t allow me to do those things. So I feel like I have failed my husband and failed my family and failed in my responsibilities.
Do you ever feel like a failure too?