I’m sorry, God, but I don’t want my calling

We had done it!  My insides jiggled with joy as I sat and looked at the women who had gathered for the Beth Moore Simulcast.  They laughed, they cried, they hugged, they sighed.  The teaching gave each woman a huge dose of desperately needed hope.  I was so proud of the team of women who had come to together to make it happen.

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I was exhilarated but I was also exhausted.  I was the leader – the head honcho – the woman in charge.


During the teaching, Beth was encouraging the women that each one had a seat in the divine symphony that God was conducting.  Each woman had an instrument and a sound that only they could play.  They were God’s handiwork that He was using on the earth.  And as she began to really hone in on each woman’s calling, a thought rose up in my spirit.

“I really don’t want my calling.”  Thanks, but no thanks, God.

Have you ever felt the same way?  Like you really don’t want to be the stay at home mom left behind with a house full of children, cleaning spit up and doing laundry and dishes all day?  Do you not want the calling to singleness and loneliness that you have right now?   Are you serving in the church nursery when you long to be a ministry leader?  Are you homeschooling your son with a learning disability because you have to, not because you want to?

Is there something that God has asked you to do and you would like to tell Him, “Um, no thanks. Ask someone else.”

The thing is, while I ABSOLUTELY LOVE to hold a microphone and speak in front of people, leadership comes with a cost.  Anytime you assert your opinion and make a decision and someone else does not agree, there is friction.  I’ve gone head to head with men and women preparing for this event, and girls, I am not cut out for this.  I’ve cried in bathrooms, wept in parking lots, and whimpered in my bed.  I’ve had sleepless nights and very long days.  And I’ve had to eat a whole lot of Panera frosted shortbread cookies to make it through.

I should be thankful that God has called me to be a leader, but I loathe the confrontation that comes with it.  I am a sweet, sensitive, tender-hearted girl and having to get in someone’s face and oppose them just kills me.  I’m terrified of it.  I have learned that I CAN do it, but it takes sugar, shopping, my puppy, and a Netflix binge for me to recover from the draining experience.

Girls, my heart breaks when I think of the difficult places that you are in right now.  I know that it’s hard to walk where you are walking.  Excruciating.  Exhausting.  Maybe even depressing.  I wish that we could collectively go to the Customer Service counter in heaven and exchange our calling for an easier, funner (if that’s a word) one.

So where does that leave us?  With a choice.  We can choose to surrender to God’s will, to trust in His plan, and obey what He is asking us to do.  Even if it hurts, it’s hard, and it’s heart breaking.  It’s the journey that He has chosen that only we can walk.  It’s the story that He is writing that only we can write.  It’s the song that He’s playing that only we can play.  It’s His sovereign plan for our lives.

Can you accept it even if you hate it?  Can you embrace it even though your abhor it?

I sit here in tears wondering if I can love MY life and if I am willing to pay the cost of my calling.  But then I remember the rewards…some that I get to experience here on earth and others that are waiting for me in heaven.

There are lives that are changed because of our hard callings.
There are hearts that are mended because we surrendered.
There are souls that entered heaven because of our obedience.

IT IS WORTH IT.  So can you join me, right now, and get down on your knees and surrender to your calling, even if you don’t like it?

Just do it.  One day girls, when we cross the finish line and shed our difficult calling, we will hear these priceless words:  “Well done, my good and faithful servant.  Enter into your reward.”

I can’t wait for us to hear those words.

Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due time you will reap a harvest if you don’t give up.  Galatians 6:9

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