I’m an insecure overachiever with a touch of OCD

Everyone who knows me well knows that I have a touch of OCD.  My earrings and Solo cups are all arranged by ROYGBIV.   There is not a crooked picture in my house….I’m sure of it, because I would be the first to notice and have to fix it.  My grass is largely weed-free because in my mind, grass and weeds should not co-exist.

If you have ever seen the TV show Monk about the obsessive-compulsive detective then you should know me well.  I am Adrian Monk.

insecure

 

When I first started my blog and ventured onto social media, more of my little OCD tendencies decided to out themselves.  There was a whole lot of “checking” going on.

I am an overachiever by nature.  In high school, I took the hardest classes so I would have the highest GPA.  In college, I chose to study nuclear engineering and public relations.  As a mom and homemaker, I homeschooled and made my own salad dressings and grew my own food while owning a small business and leading a ladies ministry.  Please love me anyway.  I can’t help myself.

In everything I do, I really do want to be the best.  Not because I want to be better than someone else, but because I have an inner drive to do things with excellence, to the absolute best of my ability, and then some.  I don’t do things halfway…I give 110%.  As a fellow overachiever and perfectionist recently said, “I don’t know how to do mediocre.”

When I started blogging, I naturally wanted to be the best blogger. And I wanted to be the best blogger NOW.

On Mondays and Thursday I would generally post new content on my blog.  And then I would wait.  And then the OCD would kick in. I would go to my email subscription service, MailChimp, and check my stats.  How many people opened the email?  The day after my blog posted, I went to Google Analytics to see how many people visited my blog.  I used to check Google Analytics all day long until I figured out it was only updated daily.  Ooops.

I knew that I was an overachiever, and I knew that I had a touch of OCD, but I didn’t know how these things would churn up some insecurity until I joined Facebook.

Facebook is an amazing tool for connecting people.  I have loved reconnecting with men and women that I haven’t seen in over 25 years.  But I would find that after I posted something, all day long  I would go back to Facebook to see if anyone liked what I posted.  With each “Like” and comment, I would feel better about what I had said.  If there weren’t many likes and comments, I would feel defeated and un-“Liked.”

Even after blogging for a year and a half, I still find that I’m finding my self-worth in what others think of me.  I get excited and jazzed when what I write resonates and you love it.  I get discouraged and want to quit when my blog posts flops.  And you know it, some of them do.

I’m working on a strategy for this insecure overachiever that has a touch of OCD.  I’m trying to be strong and not check to see who liked what.  I’m having to dig deep and remember that my self-worth does not come from how well a blog post is received or how many “Likes” I get from a general musing about my day on Facebook.

My self-worth comes from the one who gave me life, from the one who “Liked” me from the beginning.  In the midst of this struggle, when I asked God about my worth, He replied that I was worth the life of His own Son.

That is how much we are worth in the eyes of God.  The life of His very own Son.

In the course of the year and a half since I’ve started my blog, I’ve learned not to be as dependent on Facebook “Likes.”  I’m okay if only a few of my blog subscribers actually open my emails.  God has called me to write and to blog, so what matters most is that I please Him.

If  you are looking for your worth in the feedback of social media and your stats, like I have been, I encourage you to look to your Maker for some feedback on your worth.  You are priceless.  You worth is not dependent upon who “Likes” what you post or who actually reads your emails, but your worth is measured by the life of God’s very own son, Jesus.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

What about you?  What are you looking to for your worth?

 

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