It is time to go to sleep. My head is on the pillow, my eyes are closed, but the tears are flowing. Two hours ago I taught an amazing Bible study. People were encouraged. People were challenged. People met God. I should be filled with joy but instead my soul is tossing and turning with guilt and shame. I taught tonight about being like Jesus, but in the quiet of my home, I feel as far from it as possible. Everyone around me has faith to believe that God will heal my chronic migraines, but I’m sorry, I’m just not convinced. I struggle to believe.
I close my eyes tight and ask God, “What is wrong with me? How can I teach your Word with great power and anointing, but I can’t believe you will do the simplest of things for me? People think that I’m this great woman of God, but really I’m not. I don’t have a steadfast faith that is able to weather the storms. I am not able to ask that you will heal me, believing that you will, because really, I’m not sure (Mark 11:34). I know that You can heal me, but I’m not certain that You will.
I really want to believe, with all of my heart, I do, but I can’t make myself feel something that is not there. I am not able to muster faith up. I used to have such a strong faith for healing, but years of disappointment and unanswered prayers have caused my faith to wain.
In my faith-filled church and community, I feel like I am the only one in this struggle of faith.
The tactic of our enemy, the devil, is to point his finger at us in our weakness and shout, “You are the only one! You are the only one that struggles in this area!” But it’s not true. We share the same struggles, but most of us aren’t brave enough to admit them.
We struggle to believe that God will heal our bodies.
We struggle to believe that He will keep our children safe in a scary and dangerous world.
We struggle to believe that He will restore our marriage.
We struggle to believe that He will provide for the never-ending stack of bills.
We struggle to believe that He will heal our brokenness and pain.
We struggle to believe that He will send a mate or a friend.
We struggle to believe that depression will be healed and addictions will be overcome and that prodigal children will come home.
We. Struggle. To. Believe.
Isn’t God upset if we can’t believe that He is who He says He is, and that He will do what He said in His Word that He would do? Shouldn’t He turn a deaf ear to our prayers when we aren’t convinced that He will answer them?
Thankfully, He doesn’t.
Dr. Faith Wokoma, a Psychologist, Strategist and Adviser at AskDoctorFaith.com said this in a Periscope broadcast, and it gave me great hope. She said,
“God is not looking for perfection, God is looking for your pursuit.”
I am being perfected, but I am a long way from perfect.
But I excel at pursuit.
I may be flunking out when it comes to believing that God will fix my problems, but I am excelling in pursuing God.
What about you – how is your pursuit of God? Can you find hope that even though you are struggling in your faith, you are still pursuing God?
If you are not happy with your current pursuit of God, pray the prayer that God always answers, “Lord, I want to know you more.” That is a prayer that God never refuses because it is the key to His heart. He wants to know you and be known by you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13
The good news is that as we pursue God, He changes our minds and hearts daily. As we pursue Him, He buries His truth deep down in our hearts and transforms our thinking. As we run hard after God, He reveals Himself to us and we know His personality.
And as we seek to know our God more, we will come to believe again.
P.S. I’m linking up this week with Jennifer Dukes Lee at #TellHisStory