We almost collided with each other in the ladies bathroom entrance. I was headed out, and my friend Alisha was headed in. Happy to run into each other, we started to talk. We continued our conversation as we left the church building, joined by Alisha’s friend, Jonathan. We hugged, said goodbye, and headed in different directions.
As she was walking away, Alisha said something to Jonathan that I overheard:
“I just LOVE her.”
“Today is going to require a lot of makeup,” I thought as I sat at my makeup mirror. A husband and wife at my church, people I had considered friends, had rejected me. They were leaders in my church and I both respected and trusted them. This was not just a minor bruise…I cried for 5 days. I even woke my husband up one morning, sobbing.
These beloved friends had deeply wounded my heart. In short, my heart hurt.
And on this Sunday morning I was going to see them for the first time since it happened. I was so broken that I wanted to stay home, but why delay the inevitable. So I put on a flashy shirt, lots of lip gloss, and a fake smile to mask my quivering heart.
At 4’10” tall, I’ve always been the littlest one in the crowd. Even today, I often get mistaken for a child. All the way back to elementary school, you could easily find me in the class photographs because I’m the one who was front and center. Every. Single. Time. I have always been smaller than everyone else.
The last few months of my life have been filled with some emotional drama. Conflict that I have had with trusted friends led to my heart being broken. In my brokenness, I wanted to give up. Everything. At times, even my life. Every day I would hound heaven with questions, trying to understand why I was so broken emotionally. I sought the Lord for His help and deliverance from this place of unrelenting sadness.
When I was growing up, there were two girls my age that lived in my neighborhood, Kim and Ashley. Sometimes the three of us got along well and played contentedly, but most often, we were fighting. Ashley and I would decide to “gang up” on Kim and we would play together and leave her out.
Lisa & Ashley
Then, Ashley and I would get in a fight and we would switch, and Kim and I would play together and leave Ashley out. What I hated the most was when Kim and Ashley would “gang up” on me and leave me out. It hurt.
I’m all grown up now but I still have that desire that people would like me. I believe that no matter how old and mature you become, you have an innate desire to be liked, loved, and accepted. I know that I do. (more…)
This is a guest post by my dear friend, Elizabeth Mckenzie:
The phone rang. It was a person very dear to me and she was upset, and had been absolutely mortified. As she explained what happened to me I began to sympathize with how she felt. She told me she was on her way home and she stopped by a family member’s house. Before arriving she was unaware that they had a full house with company. And upon entering the the house her family member’s granddaughter said “What are you doing here? I’m tired of seeing you here!” They all laughed as the child proceeded to keep saying “What are you doing here? It’s you again?” None of the adults reprimanded the child but instead laughed and she did it more.
Something happened in my friend as she stood in that room full of people laughing at her. She felt embarrassed and rejected. Feeling hurt, she made her visit short, not because of what the child said but more so of how the adults responded. Not one person welcomed her as they snickered at the child’s rude behavior. In that moment she felt unwanted and rejected.
Let’s start with honesty. I have a broken heart. For weeks, my heart has hurt. At times, literally hurt. Looking at my life, it’s hard to see why. My children are healthy, my marriage is sound, and the bills are paid. But lately I have encountered a lot of conflict with people. I’ve been the subject of gossip, I’ve been hurt by trusted friends, and treasured relationships are in tatters. My heart is in tatters, too.
It is hard to admit, but in defense of those who have hurt me, some of this is probably my fault. I’ve probably made some mistakes. But I’ve been following God’s leading to the best of my ability. I am sure there are things I could have done and said better. And I wish I had done it better. I’m left with a heart that is broken and friendships that are shredded to pieces like confetti. Jesus!
It seems that the older I get the more I dress like my mother: bright colors, flashy jewelry, matching shoes. She’s a fashionable older woman who shops at Steinmart and Chico’s…you know the type! I haven’t yet started buying animal prints, but anything can happen! Add some “big hair” and lip gloss and I can be quite the sight! I know that we should not put so much stock in our outward appearance, but sometimes dressing up can help us to feel better. Here is me with some lip gloss:
I felt like a lamb led to the slaughter. I was going to a social event and I was aware that someone would be there who did not like me. I know that sounds very grade school-ish, but come on, girls, be real….we all want to be liked. But there are times when God will require us to go into situations where we are not accepted. It is a really hard thing to do, and it takes a lot of guts. Frankly, I was scared.