“Jesus, take me now” I uttered as I slowly pulled the covers up and over my head. There in the darkness, in the despair of my soul, I told my Savior that I was ready to be with Him. I was ready to leave this earth and be translated into heavenly glory. I selfishly didn’t care about anything else at the moment – my family, my calling, my responsibilities. I only cared about escaping this present world and to immediately be in the perfection of the next.
All I could do was stare at the screen on my Kindle. I was in the middle of a great Civil War book, but my eyes glazed over as the words blurred before me. Minutes passed by. No words can describe the depth of despair that I was feeling. Life had kicked me in the gut again.
As I wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes with my pillowcase, I prayed for help. What I wanted to pray was that I would just die in the middle of the night and not wake up to my life the next day. I felt somewhat justified in this desire to die. I had found in 1 Kings 19:4 that Elijah the prophet, a man of great faith and power, had also experienced a similar weak moment. He was running for his life from Jezebel and found himself under a juniper tree. There he prayed that he would die. He said, “God, I’ve had enough. Take me now.”
Those were my sentiments exactly.
This date night with my husband of twenty years didn’t turned out as I had planned. I had hoped that we would be enjoying hamburgers and fries and running errands like old married couples do. But as I took my shower at 5 PM I realized that I would not be going out at all. A migraine had ravaged my body earlier in the day and taking a shower completely exhausted me. I sadly shared with my husband that he would need to go out alone and run the errands because my body needed to rest. I felt like such a failure.
The Proverbs 31 woman is one who provides for the needs of her household and I couldn’t even go out to the grocery store or CVS. I want to be able to put healthy meals on the table and shop for my family and go out on a date with my husband. But in this season there are times when my body won’t allow me to do those things. So I feel like I have failed my husband and failed my family and failed in my responsibilities.
Do you ever feel like a failure too?
I walked around my house chanting, “I am braver than I think. I am braver than I think.” I didn’t feel brave, but I was trying to convince myself that I was. My heart was in my throat, and I felt sure that I was going to have a panic attack. My 18 year old son wanted to drive to a friend’s house for the first time. The friend’s house was on a busy city street that was near “the projects” on the other side of the railroad tracks. And it was dark outside. I was desperately trying to be brave, but all I could envision was him being lost in the city in the dark in the projects. I was an emotional mess.
At the end of 2015, I asked you to complete a survey. I now have 80+ blog subscribers (which sounds like a small number, but to me it is a lot). You, dear women are my flock, and I want to write content that ministers to you. You very bravely shared with me your desires and your struggles. A month has passed and I have not been able to get that survey out of my mind and my prayers.