Do you ever pray “Jesus, take me now?”

“Jesus, take me now” I uttered as I slowly pulled the covers up and over my head.  There in the darkness, in the despair of my soul, I told my Savior that I was ready to be with Him.  I was ready to leave this earth and be translated into heavenly glory.  I selfishly didn’t care about anything else at the moment – my family, my calling, my responsibilities.   I only cared about escaping this present world and to immediately be in the perfection of the next.

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When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock…

All I could do was stare at the screen on my Kindle.  I was in the middle of a great Civil War book, but my eyes glazed over as the words blurred before me.  Minutes passed by.  No words can describe the depth of despair that I was feeling.  Life had kicked me in the gut again.

As I wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes with my pillowcase, I prayed for help.  What I wanted to pray was that I would just die in the middle of the night and not wake up to my life the next day.  I felt somewhat justified in this desire to die.  I had found in 1 Kings 19:4 that Elijah the prophet, a man of great faith and power, had also experienced a similar weak moment.  He was running for his life from Jezebel and found himself under a juniper tree.  There he prayed that he would die.  He said, “God, I’ve had enough.  Take me now.”

Those were my sentiments exactly.

Sleeping Girl

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How a failed date night left me feeling like a failure

This date night with my husband of twenty years didn’t turned out as I had planned. I had hoped that we would be enjoying hamburgers and fries and running errands like old married couples do. But as I took my shower at 5 PM I realized that I would not be going out at all. A migraine had ravaged my body earlier in the day and taking a  shower completely exhausted me. I sadly shared with my husband that he would need to go out alone and run the errands because my body needed to rest.  I felt like such a failure.

failure

Coco comforting me

The Proverbs 31 woman is one who provides for the needs of her household and I couldn’t even go out to the grocery store or CVS.  I want to be able to put healthy meals on the table and shop for my family and go out on a date with my husband.  But in this season there are times when my body won’t allow me to do those things.  So I feel like I have failed my husband and failed my family and failed in my responsibilities.

Do you ever feel like a failure too?

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Does your life demand more than you can possibly give?

I walked around my house chanting, “I am braver than I think.  I am braver than I think.”  I didn’t feel brave, but I was trying to convince myself that I was.  My heart was in my throat, and I felt sure that I was going to have a panic attack. My 18 year old son wanted to drive to a friend’s house for the first time.  The friend’s house was on a busy city street that was near “the projects” on the other side of the railroad tracks. And it was dark outside.  I was desperately trying to be brave, but all I could envision was him being lost in the city in the dark in the projects.  I was an emotional mess.

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Survey shows overwhelmingly that we are overwhelmed.

At the end of 2015, I asked you to complete a survey. I now have 80+ blog subscribers (which sounds like a small number, but to me it is a lot).  You, dear women are my flock, and I want to write content that ministers to you.   You very bravely shared with me your desires and your struggles.  A month has passed and I have not been able to get that survey out of my mind and my prayers.

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