What can you do when you can’t pray?

I sat in the CVS Pharmacy parking lot.  Here I was, again.  This time I was not picking up a medication for me for but one of my children.  My stomach churned.  I wanted to be at home, curled up under my electric blanket, safe from heavy cares and concerns.  But my child was sick. Not with a cold, or pink eye, or an ear infection, but with a chronic disease.  It was no longer in remission but it had reared its ugly head again.

When faced with the disturbing symptoms, I did not fall to my knees in prayer.  I watched Netflix.  Every time I tried to pray, I was unsuccessful.  I could not think about it.  Facing reality was too painful.  Thinking of the disease wracking my child’s body broke my heart.  Over and over and over.  Every time I would think about it, I was crushed.

So I watched Netflix.  And read romance novels. And went shopping.  Because my fantasy world did not hurt as much as reality.

weakness, pray

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After grief, I have found a tenuous peace

This past September, I was dangerously close to walking away from my faith.  I was SO angry at God, railing at Him because my son was sick.  Again.  Not just a cold or a stomach virus, but sick.  The kind that involved doctor’s offices, recurring labs, scary medications, and procedures.  And I was so ticked at God for allowing this to happen.  I needed someone to blame, and God was at the center of my bullseye.

At that point I was scared.  I was scared that if something worse happened to me or those I love, I could turn my back on God and walk away from Him forever.  FOREVER.  I understood the anger and bitterness that many feel when they experience devastating, heart-breaking life events.  And it scared me that I would consider walking away from the Heavenly Father that I loved so much.  I was (this) close to just being done with God.

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