I’m no longer afraid of the Ravenel Bridge

I’ve always been afraid of being trapped in a car under water. I’m not sure when I developed this phobia, but it probably began when I was a little girl going on adventures with my dad, brother, and uncles. We were driving out in the country in Anson County, NC.  Deep in the woods, we began driving driving over a swamp.  But we weren’t driving on a DOT-constructed bridge, we were on a man-made, rickety one lane bridge that looked like it was simply some  2×4’s nailed together. I was beyond scared.

I was terrified.

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Do you ever wonder if God is ashamed of you?

“Abba, I belong to you.”
“Abba, I belong to you.”

The words of the song filled my ears as the music drifted up to the rafters of the church building.  I added my voice to the others but my heart just wasn’t in it.  My mind began to wander as I contemplated the fact that I belong to God.

That weekend I had been struggling with panic attacks and it had been hard just to function. As I looked around my church and saw all the “normal” people who didn’t struggle with anxiety, I felt sure that God was really proud of them but not so much of me. I was broken, faithless, and medicated, and they were strong, full of faith, and depending on God rather than pharmaceuticals to function.

I felt ashamed and I was certain that God was ashamed of me, too.

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